風花雪月

-1-

I tried to ignore the facts happened in my life since he told me he has turned down the second offer he got in Taiwan. The package is not unbelievablely amazing, but the pay is pretty much fit the standard of "satisfying" here for most of the white-collars. And the most important thing is he doesn't have to work much overtime compare to other engineering jobs, I thought that would be perfect for us. We will have time to be do things we like, both of us have fine jobs with stable incomes, foreseeable promotions,...I CAN see where my happy future will land already, at that time. 

The panic began when he told me the job does not fit with his expectations. Wrong location and uninteresting job content. We debated, we negotiated and finally "we" settled the decision of not taking the job. Then another good news(for him) came up, he will become one of the employees of Intel because it's acquiring his current company. He will get a good raise, WFH from time to time..., and the better thing is, Intel might offer him a green card. 

Now I am desperate. The situation becomes sticky. There are even fewer incentives to motivate him to move to Taiwan. Yes, if I was him, I would have chosen to stay in the States. 

Then, we started to talk about the option of me going to study in U.S.A..

That's where the mess began. "Which grad school?" "It has to be located in SF, in that case the options are not much.""Am I going to enter one of the top schools?""What am I going to study? I don't have a clue.""What if I couldn't find a job in the U.S. and have to come back to Taiwan? Is he going to come with me? Giving up the job at Intel?"

And then, the questions turned into a mind debate.  "Are you nuts?! Moving to U.S.A. and start everything over again?""I think it might be good for me to pick up what I truely like and make it as a lifetime career.""He is NOT coming back to Taiwan with you after working for Intel for 3 years. It's just too risky for a 33-year-old man to jeopardize his career.""But he loves me. And the chances for me to meet a good guy like him is very rare."...goes on and on and on.

"Linguistics?MBA?Arts?English literature?Journalism?" all kinds of subjects of studies pop up in my mind but nothing really gives me the idea of "RIGHT!That's exactly what I want to study!", that sort of instinctive thought. The only and true reason is because studying is the fastest way to be with him on a 3-year basis. 

-2-

I started to cry over dinner while watching movies, even in the middle of dining with my family. I wake up at 6 or 7am before the alarm, and my mind was filled with questions of studying or not. I talked less about my relationship because it stresses me out. He might feel the same way on the other side of the planet but that is not helping the situation anyways. Two stressed individuals make no happy couple. 

I started to talk irrationally with my parents because I hope to have some supportive words from my beloved ones to help me make decisions. But of course my mom said the opposite things to protect her only daughter from choosing the wrong path, my dad just stayed cool and told me:"No matter what decision you made, you are the one who is responsible for it." Cool Dad.

I am not goint to mention a word of studying tonight. Not even to talk about who makes the "compromises". Those are just pains in the ass now.